Late-night feels

Rambling post inspired by Kina Grannis’s latest song, “Megastuck”

Cheerful. Bubbly. Optimistic.

Words people have used to describe me when I’m at my best. And I consider them among the greatest compliments people have given me.

I think the hardest thing when you’re facing mental health challenges, though, is invisibility. Some people at work have told me they’re surprised to find out that, under all the smiles and laughs, I’m sad or anxious at my core. I’m usually an open book, though. People do sometimes catch on when I’m not feeling my best. I’ve been told that I hide my nervousness when I deliver my storytimes and ABC Craft and Learns, so I guess that’s a good thing. Better to present with more confidence and energy even when you aren’t feeling your best.

If it weren’t for work and school giving me some semblance of purpose, I don’t know what I’d devolve into. Too much unstructured or free time makes me feel like I’m sinking into the deepest recesses of the human imagination. It just feels like this giant weight of expectations…