“I can’t win, either way.”
Sharing a recent conversation with a coworker
I realized this as I talked to my coworker recently.
I shared,
When I’m at home, I miss my coworkers. When I’m at work, I miss home.
In both cases, I’m miserable where I am.
And that’s when she said,
Then just be here.
And that was kind of a breakthrough with me.
I spend so much time in my mind thinking about how I wish I could be anywhere else but where I am. And somehow, in all the expecting and hoping and wistful thinking, I don’t live in the moment.
What I often think to myself is,
I can’t just be.
Not when there are all these demands and expectations.
I can’t just be when there’s so much to keep track of.
Keeping everything in balance is such a struggle. How do you balance time spent with your partner, your family, your friends, your work, your school, and your volunteering?
But then once I dropped some of the balls I was juggling, I found the unstructured time conducive to depression naps. Naps that would span hours, hours that I chose to spend dreaming rather than doing.
My therapist once told me that unstructured time contributes a lot to depression as well. So I’ve tried to keep my schedule as packed as I can. And I’ve found myself miserable all the time.
Maybe it is time to take that advice.
Not “just be grateful” or “just be kind” or even “just be happy.”
Maybe it’s time to just be here.
