Does a health diagnosis cause relief or despair?

Photo by Ingmar H on Unsplash

Tonight’s one of those nights where I struggle to sleep. Caffeine fuels me to be productive most of the time, but today it’s really kept me up all night.

I looked up symptoms for schizoaffective disorder in the DSM-V again and reminded myself that these are things I struggle with. I used to think it was a life sentence, but now I’m relieved there’s information about what I have.

Having a mood disorder is disorienting. There’s no other way to describe how I feel. I always tell people ups and downs without specifying how up or how down. It’s complicated, that’s for sure.

I wonder if I’ll be able to stabilize more in the future. Maybe with extra therapy and trying EMDR. We’ll have to wait and see.