Confessions of a people pleaser

A brief psychoanalysis of where my people-pleasing tendencies came from and discovering myself

Growing up, I had a tumultuous relationship with my mother. Her discipline often involved spanking and shouting, and the inconsistent way I was brought up made it so that praise was challenging to receive. So I sought praise from my teachers, my friends, and my other family members.

It was largely due to this inconsistency that I’d bend over backward for a compliment (not literally, I’m not flexible enough for that). I’d seek a lot of external validation, and I think that’s why I got addicted to social media. The likes, the claps, the reads, the follows — all of it offered little dopamine releases that made me feel happy.

The problem with people-pleasing is that I haven’t learned to verbalize and subsequently communicate my needs like… ever. Sometimes, it takes a lot of self-reflection and digging to try and figure out what my own needs are.

I read the entirety of Nonviolent Communication and learned a few things, like how to separate observations from evaluations, how to translate judgment into unfulfilled needs, and more. It was a quick read, and some of the poems were cringy, but it got the points across well.