Reflections on aging

What does it mean to grow up? What does it mean to become an adult?

These are two questions I’ve grappled with more recently. At 26, I’m no longer as much of the idealistic, starry-eyed girl I was throughout my teens and earlier twenties. I no longer believe in limitless success and opportunity or that if you only have the courage to pursue your dreams, you’ll accomplish more than you’d believe.

I don’t know if giving up ideas like “if you work hard enough, you’ll make it” or “if you never give up, you’ll make it” or “if you network…


Ever since November 2019, I’ve worked at TJ Maxx as a cashier, ringing up thousands of customers for over a year now. It can be a grueling job, standing for hours on end and coming across rude customers and whatnot. There’s pressure from management to make rewards and provide top notch customer service.

I’ve learned a few things through it all though.

Community matters.

The reason why I stayed at TJ Maxx for so long is because I really like my coworkers. …


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Photo by Austin Kehmeier on Unsplash

I’ve been thinking about friendships a lot lately. What stands out to me is my sibling’s therapist’s words about friendships that happen for a reason or a season.

I do think that, throughout my life, I’ve been struck with a keen sense of sentimentality. It makes it difficult for me to let go of treasured memories and times spent with people, people who I used to be much closer to and who used to still be in my life.

This nostalgia for the past has made it increasingly hard for me to let go of people I’ve loved so dearly…


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Just as a side note, I’ve recently decided to cut myself off from most social media. I’ve found myself much happier for it, although I’m out of the loop on recent happenings and whatnot.

But anyway. Enough about that. Major life updates lie ahead!

  1. I’m proud to announce that I’ve finally, finally beat depression. If that’s even the right way to put it. I no longer have major depressive disorder. And I’m working on weaning myself off antidepressants and antipsychotic medications.
  2. I haven’t had any suicidal ideation for over half a year.
  3. I’m now in a happy & healthy relationship…


To my almost-lover,

Not a day goes by without a fleeting thought about you passing through my mind.

I wonder what we could’ve been, had the timing been right.

I…


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I’ve suffered from writer’s block for the past few months.

Writing used to come as naturally as breathing. I sought solace in an empty page and populated it with thoughts, feelings, ideas without a moment’s hesitation.

Lately, though, I’ve been feeling pretty low and stuck writing-wise. It’s largely a function of how much free time I have on my hands nowadays. Too much time alone and spent in your head is really not conducive to living a better quality of life, at least not for someone who’s as extroverted as I am.

Last Tuesday or Wednesday, I was suicidal again. My plan was to overdose on my current medication. But…


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That’s what I’ve learned over the past year.

When you have anxiety, it doesn’t go away.

When you have depression, it doesn’t go away.

When you’re schizoaffective like me, it doesn’t go away.

What you can do, though, is cope with symptoms as best you can.

Some days, you might not accomplish much more than binge-watching a season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You might try to Duolingo a lesson while lying in bed or listen to sad music to dwell in your despair for a little bit.

There’s no overcoming this ish. If you don’t have enough serotonin in your brain, that’s not something you can easily fix.

This…


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They’ll leave you as surely as your anxiety and depression will stay.

My crushes were never dressed as well as they were in my eyes.

My mind would create reason after reason to surrender my heart to them, succumb to every impulse and give up holding onto who I was to try and find someone who could understand even just a fraction of a percent of who I am.

I’d put people on a pedestal and be disappointed again and again when they didn’t rise to meet my expectations.

The higher the pedestal, the more power they had over me, until the day they fucked up and erased whatever regard I’d held…

Xine Way

Artist who thinks and feels out loud

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